It’s the most wonderful time of the year once again! A time for gathering around the TV and getting too drunk with friends as we watch overpaid celebrities fight each other - throwing and kicking in tight pants for our entertainment. Where we pick favorites, and latch on in the name of loyalty, forgiving all the potentially criminal activity they may be involved in. Where we watch as they do harm to their bodies for the sake of fame. Where we ignore any homophobic, racist, or otherwise offensive undercurrent, because really we are just being sensitive, right?
No, I’m not talking about the NFL. It’s the Real Housewives! So get your team names ready: it’s draft day for your fantasy leagues!
There are three rounds to the draft.
Round 1: Housewives. Everyone gets one housewife on his/her team. Obviously your housewife will be your main moneymaker, so pick carefully. Don’t get stuck with Cynthia Bailey. What is one interesting thing she’s ever done?
Round 2: Husbands & Boyfriends. Everyone also gets one significant other. As a rule, all the househusbands seem to suck a lot - Apollo texts other housewives inappropriately, Mario cheats on Ramona, Slade is…Slade - so just try to pick someone who sucks the least.
Round 3: Accessories - Children/Pets/Gay Best Friends/Wannabe Housewives or Nemeses. The third and final player on each team can be a child (Milania Giudice is obvi the best choice here), or pet (Giggy!), gay best friend (Miss Lawrence, that Beverly Hills wedding planner - chi chi chi!), or other random bitches (Kim G! Kim D! Sonja’s intern Pickles!). Basically a scene stealer. The more obnoxious the better.
Points are scored in the following categories.
I’d really be down to play this like all the time….each time a season ends you can eliminate people from that location and add new ones from the shows that start in its place.
I just don’t have time to keep track of everyone’s points. I could easily make the spreadsheet to do it with, but don’t have time to keep up with it weekly (I’m already like 2 weeks behind on recaps).
If someone wants to keep score, I’ll make them a spreadsheet. Any takers? Can we actually get a big group going to play this?
Jackie is scared of botox….me too, girl. Horrifying.
Gina asked Lydia to help her decorate her new place.
How many times is Jackie going to remind us that her husband is a rockstar? I feel like every other word that comes out of her mouth is “i have powers, my husband is a rockstar.”
Lydia and Andrew fly wherever they want, whenever they have time….because they can. If I had that kind of money and my husband was a pilot and we could fly 100% alone, no crew or anything, I’d do it, too. They flew overseas for a day trip and bought $200 worth of cheese. She really is my favorite. Too fabulous to give any fucks.
"I have that inner power to be able to create miracles." -Jackie….actually only God can do that. No human is capable of miracles. I really am not sure how I feel about her "powers" at this point. I respect her beliefs and her choice in career, but I don’t know that I support it. One thing I know for sure, only hard work creates successful businesses. If it’s not her doing said work, then her staff will be working their asses off, but no business is successful without work.
Gina says she was diagnosed with cancer 10 years ago and is just now crying for the first time while telling Andrea that Jackie is full of/listening to demons? Nice try on being convincing with your sob story, but I’m not buying what you’re selling. I am sad you got cancer and proud of you for overcoming it, but I don’t know that Jackie is demonic.
There is tequila everywhere at this housewarming. Jackie says she loves all gifts but I really agree with Andrea that the jewelry is inappropriate. The stuff from Chyka’s business may have been tacky, but it was appropriate for a housewarming. I think Andrea is jealous that she missed the opportunity to self-promote….
Gina is single now?? But we’re supposed to believe that she didn’t believe Jackie?? Suuuurrreee…..
Gina is going on and on about demons and how Jackie is full of shit and attacking what the woman does for a living (and has done for many years) then has the nerve to say “If you know me, I don’t offend anyone” uuhh…??
Do you have a favorite Melbourne housewife yet?
Team Gina or Jackie?
Lydia’s stepson, Sam, doesn’t know what faux means??
Gina is all of a sudden so confident that her man is not cheating, but last episode she was worried? Something isn’t making sense….
Jackie wants to make a tequila line to party like a rockstar, but she seems to hate it when she tries it…….??
I feel like Andrea works really hard….granted it’s in the vanity industry, but hard work nonetheless. To help her, she needs various nannies, a checklist to be sure each nanny keeps up the daily household routine, and even a nanny phone that they must always answer while leaving their phone behind.
Chyka is kind of my idol. She does what she loves and she’s amazing at it. I would love to make a career out of entertaining, but alas….Melbourne, Florida isn’t the kind of place where you can throw the kinds of parties Chyka hosts.
Janet melts down the rings from past marriages.
Gina went off to see her man. Andrea sees this and says to Jackie that “She [Gina] reacted like someone who believes you.”
Oh Lydia….I love you. This conversation just went from talking about Gina to vagina botox to masturbation…..
Holy crap this food looks amazing.
Jackie is thinking about a vow-renewal and still fits into her custom designed wedding gown.
There is a short clip of Gina at work and then her having lunch with Jackie and discussing things that were said. Gina attacks Jackie’s work (which, while I don’t agree with it, that’s her thing, leave it alone), and then tells Jackie she’s seeing demons and not Gina’s relatives. The whole thing gets really mean, really fast….
I havent seen it when does it air i am on Central Time in Louisiana …. & what Channels like Bravo. Or E Network??? Because im a Housewives Fan & LOVE♡ most of the shows… please let me know Thanks so much! ♥L.
Sundays at Noon on Bravo. The episodes aired already should be on demand with your cable company or you can download all of them.
First off, I love that I’m writing about Melbourne since I live in Melbourne, Florida….lol.
So I’ve decided when a new season premieres, I’m going to include all the taglines for that season (not just new locations but each season since they change so frequently) so the new ladies’ taglines are as follows:
Andrea Moss - Never come between a woman and her plastic surgeon.
Gina Liano - I’ll give you my opinion, but you better be ready to hear it.
Lydia Schiavello - I may look like a jet-setter, but my feet are firmly on the ground.
Janet Roach - When life throws rocks, I melt them down into diamonds.
Jackie Gillies - My husband may be a rockstar, but now it’s my time to shine, shine, shine!
Chyka Keebaugh - My fabulous life comes down to love and laughter, not luck.
And now for the recap of the premiere….
Lydia drives a Porsche, is married to an architect, has 3 sons and 3 step sons. They have a bit of an all male Brady Bunch thing going on. I love cars and smart women, so far she’s the new Reiko….and I like her….as much as one can like a new housewife after 3 minutes of the first episode, lol.
"I love glamour and color and I’ve often described myself as the ultimate drag queen" -Gina.
She has 2 boys, began a career in fashion like her sisters, then pursued a degree in law and is now a barrister. No wonder she wears drag queen makeup. If you had to wear that wig and robe all day, you’d be looking for a ways to stand out, too.
Andrea is married to a plastic surgeon, runs her own skincare line and lives in what she describes as the “Beverly Hills of Melbourne” She has one boy and one girl.
Janet gets her hair done 3-4 times a week and on this occasion, she walks out with her hairdresser’s dog. I thought it was hers, then he chased her….chick totally stole her hairdresser’s dog. LMAO. She has 2 boys and 2 ex-husbands. She is a property developer and owns 2 homes.
Jackie is a psychic and is married to the lead singer of Silverchair. I remember hearing about this band, but don’t ask me any of their songs. If the Beverly Hills “dinner party from hell” is any indication of how housewives react to psychics, then having one as a main cast member will be highly entertaining.
Chyka has a daughter and son and she started a catering company with her husband, which has grown into an empire. They have rentals for parties, and catering services, and they will even supply you with servers and staff for the party. Way to turn something you love into a successful empire to provide for yourself and your family for years to come. Respect, girl.
So after they give us each lady’s background, they all have dinner together, which ends is everyone asking Jackie questions and getting pissed at the answers. I’m with Gina, and don’t really believe in all this stuff, but don’t ask a psychic something if you don’t want to know what she has to say about it….
What do you guys think of the new ladies???
Bringing these back since Bravo is airing them now…
Team Sonja…..there’s so many of them. I can’t even keep track anymore…..
Aviva’s help…..she has nannys and housekeepers and probably more staff than Sonja
Carole is still right about Aviva attacking her career, and Aviva is still crazy….shocker….
Ramona was rude to Heather about the Berkshires. I mean, being from Florida, I get the need for a/c….but Ramona was pretty fucking rude to Heather about a lot of things while they were there…..
Melissa from Melbourne, Florida calls Ramona out for her ridiculous behavior….This is not significant as we all know she’s nuts, but I currently live in Melbourne, Florida…..so shout out to Melissa.
Horse gambling….Sonja was trashed….she feels like everyone left her.
LuMann v Sonja, Re: facialist
Andy is ignoring Sonja go on and on about her shows….
Ramona refuses to acknowledge the Mario issues. She won’t even admit she is going through anything no matter how vague Andy words it…
LuMann says shit back to Ramona that Ramona said to her in the past. Things about being cheated on and your marriage failing….truth hurts, doesn’t it, Ramona…..
Kristen and Josh are doing much better after watching themselves all season and realizing their issues. That’s good. I’d hate to see this show cause another divorce.
LuMann and Jacques apparently still talk and are friends, but are no longer together.
Ugh….is anyone else glad this season is almost over?